Shower Thoughts: How To Reverse Engineer Manifestation Techniques

For the last three weeks or so, I have indulged in manifestation and it allowed me to feel like I was on cloud nine. In my daily life little things were just working themselves out: I found an amazing actress simply Ubering between my old and new apartment and she agreed to be part of a film I am helping with, my AirBnB hosts that I was nervous to meet turned out to be beautiful human beings, and I had already met some great people at work, including fellow women of color Hollywood hopefuls.

Nevertheless, and as expected, I was knocked off my happy, fluffy, rainbow cloud early this past week. And, as usual, I had no one and no singular thing to pin my fall on. In actuality, life had objectively just gotten even better! I interviewed for a post-grad job on Monday and don’t have to worry about being unemployed after graduation, I had a fun night with new friends, and I had been reading stunning scripts at work.

Wallowing in my low, I cried every day for a little bit, and binge watched Gilmore Girls. At this point in my life, I have come to learn that I tend to swing from gloriously happy weeks to crushingly sad in the space of a few weeks. This cycle has proven, again and again, to be hard to break out of and like a Chinese finger trap, the more I try to resist, the deeper into my low I stumble.

Sad, oddly cold (did I mention I also contracted a cold), and dejected, I drew myself a bath and lay in the tub trying to clear my thoughts. The bathroom has always been a special place for me. From shower thoughts, to the bathroom mirror selfie phase I went though, to even some of the lowest, most self-loathing moments of my existence, bathrooms will always provide me with a space where I am truly myself without any witnesses. Finding comfort in this, I pondered my newfound low mood and questioned whether or not the happiness I felt was even authentic.

However, this time around, I knew the high undoubtedly felt so much purer. The high wasn’t triggered by a beautiful day, hearing that a friend or a family member was doing well, or getting a text from a crush. Instead, I had cultivated my high, quite literally feeding myself positive thoughts every morning and night as if they were prescribed medications. I wasn’t reacting, but I was proactively enacting my own happiness, creating it for myself. It just felt different.

Thinking about this in the tub, I closed my eyes for a few moments and allowed myself to let go and just feel whatever was going on. My thoughts, flooding in as if I had just knocked down a dam, were projecting into the future, digging deep into the past, and in general just whirling me around like a lost leaf in the wind. Sitting there, alone, I attempted to reverse the manifestation process. It was worth a shot, right?

Rather than reacting to these thoughts, which I knew were coming in now because my mood was low and I felt physically shit, I let them enter my mindscape. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, they raced around until they felt they had made their point, and then they would quieten down and let me be. Taking a backseat in my own mind, I realized that in the same way I chose to activate positive thoughts, I could also choose to abstain from scuffling with negative ones.

By the end of my bath, I found myself actually feeling refreshed. I wasn’t ready to somersault back into my happy phase, don’t get me wrong, but understanding that I had just discovered a new tool in my dealing-with-shit toolbox felt empowering. The entire experience reminded me of a saying I had heard from my Amma in childhood based on stories of the Buddha. The Buddha once said that holding onto anger was like holding a piece of hot coal: only you would be burnt.

I think the same logic applies to negative thoughts in general, and this is in no way an attempt to invalidate anyone’s experience of depression, anxiety, and any other mental health experience. Based on my own struggles, however, I wish I had understood that not engaging is an option. Despite the fact that I’ve invested in Headspace, gone to mindfulness classes, and read about meditation many a time, I guess some lessons are best learned through trial and error.